194: Are You Ready For A New Label in Your Relationships, Single, Heartbroken, Desperate, Unlovable and Divorce? Becoming Unbroken with Venus Castleberg

Hello good people. Welcome to Beyond Adversity.

This is the podcast where we help folks just like you

to grow through what you go through. And that includes

such things as dealing with our most intimate relationships,

our loving relationships with people who are close to us,

and the cycles that we sometimes go through and that

and we are just very fear very fortunate and blessed to

have with us today, Venus Castleberg, who is the author

of From Here to Forever: Finally Free to be Me. It's her

story of how she explores looking for love in all the wrong

places, and the twists and turns and a roller coaster of

relationships. She's an accomplished person and many rights

but she is gives us down some insights on how to have a

new label in your life enables a label of unbroken Venus

Castleberg, welcome to Beyond Adversity.

Wonderful. Thank you, Brad. Thank you for having me.

It is awesome to have you have you with us here today

on Beyond Adversity. We just like to try to be helpful to

people to navigate challenges in their life and a love life

for almost everyone has its ups and downs and challenges

in your life is no exception. But the good thing is, is you have

given a lot of thought and a lot of energy and a lot of a

process that you are developing here to help people to

break out of labels that they may have and cycles they

may have with a loving life. But let's hear your story about

how you came to this point of writing this book by going

through your own challenges and difficulties. Let's hear

your story for a moment.

Okay, thank you. I believe it started for me very young,

I thought that finding the one like all the fairy tales.

Like there has to be a knight in shining armor, there's

somebody out there who's going to rescue me, and

is going to save me from my step-parents which I

didn't have. So you know, just having that energy

of thinking somehow, you are complete if you are in

a relationship. And so I started kissing boys young and I

started dating young. I started because I thought that's

what I was doing. I was trying to find the person that I

was going to be with and I went through quite a few.

I've been married a couple times, divorced a couple times.

Every time thinking I'd found it, I had found the one.

Only to have it not worked out. And I wrote the book.

At first I thought I was just writing a book to write a book.

And then it really kind of poured out of me, this journey

that I have had of looking for love in all the wrong places.

And I think even to some degree, not only was I looking

for love in romantic partner, but also in, you know,

other relationships. And then also, I was looking for the

right place to live. And then if I had the right place to live,

I would find it. And it was through the writing of the

book six years ago, that I started to really look at

like, wait a minute, what if all this time the one

person I've been looking forward was me.

And that's the title. Finally Free to be Me

is your subtitle of your book. And it sounds

like this is a journey that's taken lots of twists

and turns and ups and downs you mentioned

about being married and divorced a couple of

times and about changing locations, apparently

and some of the things that you've gone through

in order to come to this place to write this book.

Tell us a little bit about when you were in some

bad places. Yeah, I'm gonna mean by that is

some dark places. How low did you go? I mean,

were you in a place where you felt? Well what

I'm trying to get out here, Venus, is a lot of folks,

when they have something happen to have

like a divorce or something reversal of some

situation, they go to a place to kind of a place

of depression or a spiraling down and he gets

stuck there. Were there any times that you felt

a little stuck in that situation? And we're going

to talk a little bit of what you did to get out of it.

Sure. Yeah. Um, well, I think yes, definitely.

There were definitely some very low times.

And I would say my second divorce was probably

the biggest one because I really did believe

I had found the one and everybody else kind

of confirmed it like you guys are like the sun

in the moon together and you know, it was

one of those things. So to have that dissolve

and we were very close. We were very

good friends. So even when we got a divorce,

we were very good friends breaking up. Like it

was that was part of the heartache and that

was actually the first time in my life that I actually

became depressed because I'm not a depressed

person by nature. But that definitely sent me into

my first experience of depression.

Then what were some of the actions that you

took to get out of that depression or anything

else that you did? What actions did you start to

take to change the pattern, you know, this pattern,

a lot of folks have been a little stuck in a dark place.

And you always did some things, because you have

a very pleasant countenance about you and you, you're

talking about breaking labels, that's probably what I'm

getting at here with you, Venus, is about changing labels,

or some things you did to change your label that

maybe can be transferable to other folks.

Wonderful question. Yes. I think part of the, the

biggest thing for me was to be willing to be alone,

and be with myself. And even when I was sad,

and it was hard, and I'm one of these people,

I jumped from relationship to relationship to

relationship. So if one was ending, and I knew

it was ending, I probably have the next one lined up

before I even got out of that one. So that's how

much I was. Right? And so

When I got the serial kind of a thing, yes.

You kind of feared being alone and something like that, or

Yup, feared being alone, or I think it was just more

I didn't feel like I was like, I didn't fit in society, or

in this culture if I wasn't with somebody. Like I

was taught that you are supposed to find the

person you get married to. And you have 2.5 kids

and a white picket fence, and you live happily

ever after. Like, and I bought that hook line and

sinker, like, like, that is so true for me. And so

You kind of want to be at a Hallmark movie, it sounds like.

yes, yes, I did. Or a Disney fairy tale for sure. Yeah,

Princess and the Prince and all that type of thing.

Yeah. So I knew that I had to learn to be

okay being by myself, to be okay with myself.

Because I started to see the pattern as like,

okay, there's a pattern here and I'm starting

to date the same person over and over again.

That's the other pattern you'll notice is.

You'll be like, you'll break up with one person

and be in this next relationship, you're like,

that's the same person, they just look a little

different, right? But they have the same things

that challenge you. So for me, it was going, okay.

I know that I need to get comfortable and okay

with being by myself. So I spent quite a bit of time.

And I'd say for that long, I spent quite a bit of time

by myself. I even traveled around the world, I

went to volunteer in Africa. I really just kind

of took this time to discover who are you without

somebody else in your life. And ask myself "Do I like myself."

You know, that's a big thing. A lot of us don't like

ourselves. And so we end up dating somebody

who's not good for us, because we don't like

ourselves. But if you like yourself, then you won't

settle for somebody who's not good for you.

So it sounds like some of the actions that you

took were taking some solitude, some quiet

time for yourself. And but a part of that was

also the action of doing activities on your

own, traveling, and your volunteerism to go

to Africa. That's pretty significant. That wasn't

just like volunteering, you know, reading at

your local library or something. You had to

get on a plane and go and do the training

and whatever this is you had to do. So you

really were intentional about your self

discovery, were you not?

Yeah, I was. And I intentionally also knew

I needed to travel because I had my ex-husband

for some reason I had put all of our travel into his hands

and I had forgotten how to do it. So it was one of

those things that I wanted to do when I was really

young. I will say this. You when you're young, it's

cool to carry a 50 pound pack. That's awesome.

There's wheels on suitcases when you're 40 for a reason.

I hear that. Yeah, I just took a series of flights

month or so ago for the first time in a long time

and because of the pandemic, I've traveled a

lot I want to deal with it. Okay, yeah, I get that

I hear that but so that is I just want to say that

takes a lot of courage, Venus, to do that. It really

does because a lot of people get in a cycle where

they, I'm sure you're from Earth the term to depend

And codependent, where people find their self value

and self worth based on somehow connected to another

person. And it sounds like you were kind of there

in many ways, and that you chose then to break

that pattern to become, find yourself find your own

independent value in yourself. And I think it takes a

lot a lot of courage and because that's kind of the

action part of things. And one would ask about now

for a minute or two, Venus, was about what you

discovered when you went inward. And what I'm

talking about here, what was any kind of connection

that you had to your inner life or to something

greater than yourself. A spiritual depth of perhaps

meditation, perhaps something in the religious realm,

perhaps something about some inspirational insight

into something inspired you to be about

transformations in your inner life or spiritual life

that were part of this process?

Well, I would say definitely began. I mean, I've been

in alternative healthcare, metaphysics, and

transformational work for 21 years. So I was

always a seeker. But I by the time I was getting

that second divorce, I was meditating daily. And

so I know that meditation for me in that time

differently helped me find inner peace, find a

calmness within that, that actually I live now.

There's just at ease in my life. That was one of

them. The other one was, there's Access

Consciousness has a series of tools, and one

of them is called the bars. And it's 32 points

on your head, and it clears out kind of the junk,

it's like deleting the information on your hard

drive, it cleans it out, This cleans out all the

thoughts, programs, beliefs, stories you have in

your head, so that you can choose a life that

works for you. That tool, even meditation,

meditation took a lot of work, and a lot of

years of practice, which is great. And the

bars, I noticed, I noticed change and just

one session, so but I think that they're both

valuable, so and anything anyone can

do to change their mindset. And

sometimes it's just getting up out of your

chair and moving your body or one of the

tools that like to tell people, when you're

feeling really depressed, the tendency is to

look down, we always want to look at the floor,

we want to look at the you know, ground, try

just looking up, look up to the sky, look up to

the heavens, you know, look up. And the energy

that you perceive by looking up versus looking

down is very palpable. And sometimes it's just

doing something that's simple. You don't have

to change your whole life and move to Africa.

Some people can do that. Not everybody can.

Here's an interesting that connection between

the physical and the metaphysical in that, in

that context, you're saying that, you know,

by looking up, looking up the sky, or going

outdoors or looking at the sunshine or the

stars as it were, can, that physical action

can have a connection to your inner life

and your peace of mind and things, things like that.

Even those parts, even close, close, most people,

most people say more about that.

What do you what do you mean by that your clothing.

So most people tend to when they're depressed

or they're sad, or having a off bad day, they'll

tend to wear like black or gray or comfy

clothes or you know, not want to try putting

on your loudest brightest shirt. And two things

will happen. One, nobody will notice that

you're having an off day because they'll

be paying attention to your shirt. And

then after a little while, you'll start to

notice again, that energy, that vibration,

it's you're you're you're stepping into

something brighter, you're like, I am

going to choose something different

here. Even if it doesn't fit, just try it.

You know, that's interesting that you

say that because I found that to be

the case too. In my I'm retired pastor in

which I spent my share of time, you know,

kinds of suits and ties and robes, occasionally

things like that. But my everyday dress is more

like Hawaiian shirts and things like that.

In fact, I have one really wild Hawaiian

style shirt, which I call covered with sharks.

And so every time I wear that thing, I

get lots of comments about sharks, I just

say every week of shark week or something

like they get you a little bit positive attention.

I think that's true. Changing your patterns.

And that's part of what you teach in your

book is changing patterns and changing

labels, isn't it? And yeah, so let's talk about

how that goes in terms of how you actually

relate to people then because what you're

talking about here is how you relate in

Your love life and, and, and the cycles

that people can be into. But it also means

that it's not only in romantic relationships,

it's in all relationships, your friend group,

your family, your extended family,

co-workers and so on. Tell me about

how the importance of emotional connectedness

is in a positive way towards transformation

in how you perceive others. So I'm talking about

your friend group, or others, or people who are

surrounded you they helped you or maybe you

help others, or could even a mentorship from

like the school or books or tapes. Tell me about

the power of emotional relationships in life transformation.

I think I understand your question. So it, one of

the things that I always used to think was that I

was broken. Hence why we talked about being

abrupt Yes, I thought that I was something was

innately wrong with me. And I know that I am

not alone on this planet, a lot of people think

that something's happened, I finally started to

realize that I'm not broken. Nobody else is broken

either. And so if we can see everybody as whole

and perfect and complete exactly the way they

are, and exactly the way they aren't, even if

we're the only ones holding that vision of them

for them, then eventually, they could begin to

see it for themselves.

That's awesome. I love when you use that terminology

about being broke, because you saw yourself as broken.

And now you see yourself as unbroken and how that how

others perceive you as a part of this process. And maybe

you've heard the term I hear this was elderly folks,

sometimes that I'm invisible, you know, I seem to be

invisible to others. And perhaps this is where

when you move from being feeling broken, to

be unbroken, you suddenly become visible.

We think about that about becoming connected that way.

Absolutely. I mean, I think if we could, I know

for me, I'll speak for myself. But I, when I stopped

thinking that I was broken, then I wasn't looking

to everybody to confirm that. When I realized

I was hold my within myself, then everybody

around me, just naturally began to reflect that

because I believe that you also attract those

people. When you believe something's wrong

with you, you'll find the people that agree

with you. When you believe that you're kind

and compassionate, and you have something

to offer the world, you'll begin to attract people

that believe in that in you as well.

And that makes when you begin to attract

those type of people around you, that gives

you the opportunities for healthier relationships,

maybe romantic or otherwise. Do you agree with that?

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yep. So

and in the romantic relationship, or any relationship

doesn't become a need. So many people operate

from need, like I need a relationship I'd rather

have and I was one of these people, I would

have rather had a bad relationship than no

relationship at all.

And that's so so true. Yeah. And also, I think it

comes stems from a sense of see what you

think Venus of just think this figure is basically

an epidemic of meaning, the less nests in our

world right now. And people are seeking in any,

any way they can meaning fullness, but too

often they seek that meaningfulness out of

relationships that are not based on their own

self worth, but it's on some need that's not

altogether healthy. And sometimes people

find other ways you know, you know,

chemicals or bad relationships or spin

intuitive money, whatever it is, all of it. Yeah.

Well, you've mentioned a couple times here

on our conversation venous about change

of mindset or change of how you do things.

And I'm a big believer that you get to take

these things, these experiences and you got,

you know, I'd like to see you, you go you grow

through what you go through, but it means

a change of pattern. So what have you noticed

about your own self and maybe you can teach

others about some different change a pattern

or change of mind, a change of mindset. I'm

going now to things like a new habits or

practices or the way you live your life now,

as opposed to before when you were

co-dependent or dependent on others.

What are you doing now? What are

some of your habits and practices now?

What you do now that have indicated your change of mindset?

Well, your point of view creates your reality, which

is how I'm saying it what you're saying in a different

way. So If you see something as negative, as bad as

wrong, then that's what it shows up, as for you. If you

see something as positive, it's why it shows up as

yours kind of like the, how many people argue is the

glass half full or the glass half empty. It's just your

perspective. So, one of the hugest changes I've done

with the help of the tools of Access Consciousness

was to change judgment. Judging anything, judging

people, judging what was happening in my life,

judging my money flows, judging my relationships,

my romantic partners, anything to gratitude.

Judgment and gratitude cannot

exist in the same space.

So that shift alone sounds huge to shift

from judgment to gratitude.

And it's just and we can every day wake up,

and what are you grateful for? What do you

for life? I mean, you could find something, any

if I get it, if you're really depressed right now.

And you're listening to this and going, yeah,

if you only knew where I was, I do know where

you are. And you can find one thing. And it might

be just, hey, I woke up today. Or, hey, it's snowing

today, where I live, it's snowing, and I love the snow.

It's beautiful. So, but just one thing, and then let

it grow to two things. Start people in your life,

and what are you grateful for them for?

That's so apropos and so important. Because

you know as you said, you can change if you

change your viewpoint, from judgment to

gratitude, then you no longer have this kind

of poor me or it's the focus is on me and what

I don't have, the focus is on what I do have and

how that enhances, then your relationship with

others. And it seems to me, you You talk a lot

in your writings and things about about this

cycle or these patterns. If you change that

pattern there that can help you break

unhealthy cycles or unhealthy patterns

into more than that is more joyful and

full of possibility. You agree?

Absolutely. Absolutely. But it starts

with one step, one choice, one day that

you look up instead of down.

Well, well, one step that people can take

is by taking a look at your book, Here to

Forever: Finally Free to be Me. Tell us a

little bit about your book. And if someone

did say, there's someone out there who

has a somewhat similar circumstances

as you and is kind of struggling in their

love life or some other aspects of life,

what are they going to find in your book

or possibly in your website to be helpful to their life?

Awesome, thank you so much. So my book

was actually my personal journey to finding

me. And the first part of the book was literally

my story from my very young age to only just

six years ago, and the the choices that I had

to make to change the patterns in my life.

And so the second half of the book, the back

half of the book are the tools that I used to

change the my relationship patterns and to

get into a different place with myself and

find me and finally have gratitude for me.

So yeah, if there if you've ever been somebody

who struggles with relationships, or really feel

like you're a fish out of water, a lot of the time

this book would be great for anyone looking

to find more of themselves.

That's awesome. But let's talk about somebody

who did that. I'm interested in knowing a little bit

now, Venus, about anybody you may have

encountered who read your book or worked

with you in some sort of a, perhaps a coaching

situation or just a conversation. Can you tell us

someone that you've encountered in your life who

you've been able to have some sort of positive

influence on and maybe kind of a testimonial

about your work in their life?

Yeah, so I have have many, and I'm very, very

grateful that I have been able to change one

person's life. I think in the biggest area of

relationships, I would talk about this one

person that didn't really like herself at all.

And she had a friend ask her once if she

would date herself and she said no. And

just was working with her and spending

some time with her, really getting her to

realize how great she really is and what she

has to offer any relationship or the world

even now. And now relationships for her,

they make her life greater or she doesn't choose them

so she learned a little bit from your

experience about how that she doesn't

have to have an unhealthy relationship is

not going to benefit her you know and so

that's awesome. And so that's what we're

looking for here, we're looking for a process

you know what we're all about here on Beyond

Adversity is knowing that people can get stuck

and get there bad things happen to everybody

but what you do with it makes all the difference

and we look from folks like you to help us get

a process of course, your love life and your

personal and intimate relationships are so so

important. And so we appreciate what you've

had to share with us today. How can people be

connected with you how can they find your book?

How can they find your website or anything else about you?

Well here to forever finally free to be me is

on Amazon in paperback and Kindle. Next

year, there'll be an audible no promises on

wind but we'll get there. And then I have a

website venuscastleberg.com And the last

name is spelt b, e, r, g.

we'll put connections in our show notes at

drbradmiller.com to the book and to your website.

And lots of insight again the book is the title of

the book is Here to Forever: Finally Free to be Me.

She is Venus Castleberg. She is all about helping

you to create new labels. The new label of being

an unbroken person. Venus, we thank you for being our

guest today on Beyond Adversity