150. How to Get Over Yourself and Play for Something Big with Tripp Lanier the author of “This Book Will Make You Dangerous”

We have a great author with us today, Tripp

Lanier is the author of this book will make you dangerous.

And he also publishes the new man podcast, which is all about

learning to take small steps to make big changes in your life.

And the subheading, which I'm gonna love to get into with for

his book is The irreverent guide for men who refuse to settle. So

we're gonna talk about refusing to settle here. But Tripp,

welcome to our podcast today.

Thanks, Brad. I appreciate the opportunity.

Awesome, it

is great to have you with us. And you've got an

intriguing title of your book. And I've looked through it. And

although it says it's a guide for men, I think men and women

can get some good things out of this by refusing to settle. But

I'm really interested in your story of a man about what are

some things that you refuse to settle about? What were some

adversity you may have faced, and just told you a little bit

your story about how you came to write this book?

How did I come to write this book, I went through

a pretty, let's say, dramatic period in my 20s, where I had

created so much of what I've set out to do, I was very fortunate

in that regard, and then came to a realization that this wasn't

what it was gonna be, you know, I was asking these questions

like, now what is this really is this what the big, the big thing

was. And so I realized that being chasing more creature

comforts, trying to just go after more money, or trying to

be more important or more significant, wasn't really

making me happier. And I, I didn't, I couldn't put it into

those terms at the time, but I just felt like something was

definitely missing. And so that going from that process of

questioning the life that I was living at that time to creating

an another version of that, and aligning the work, aligning my

relationships, I you know, I was hiding out, essentially, I was I

was in the closet, so to speak about so much of the beliefs

that I had, or the values that I had, or what at the work that I

really wanted to do. And so I was playing a role in order to

be successful, I was playing a role in order to maintain my

relationship. And it was not very fulfilling was, it was

very, it was a drag it was it felt like a trap felt like it

felt very draining. And so I just said enough, I don't want

to settle for this. And so the process, from that point forward

is, has been, you know, kind of what's unraveled in this book,

or what I talk about in this book, but this book is

essentially what I wish I could have read 20 something years

ago, where it's got a sense of humor, it's irreverent. But it's

also got some deep, meaningful pieces in there as well.

Yeah, well, in that process, you mentioned a number

of things you were searching for, and you know, thought you'd

accomplish some great things, which I'm sure you did, and some

in many regards of what what people would consider to be

successful. But was there a kind of defining moment, any event, a

person, something that happened, that was really kind of flipped

the switch for you? It's it. Okay, that's it, I got to do

something different here. Now.

I don't know if there was so much a switch or a

moment, but it was just recognizing there's there's more

to life than feeling lost or stuck or drained or essentially

playing it safe. That was that that was what I realized was

happening for me at the time that I was orienting my life

around, what do I do so that I'm not uncomfortable? What do I do

so that I don't feel at risk that I don't put my time or

energy and money at risk? And what do I do so that I don't

look like a moron. And I find that when most people talk to me

about, hey, I want to have a life purpose. And I want to find

my purpose, and we've already got one, then typically, most of

the time, if we really look at the purpose behind all of our

actions, day to day, it's not very romantic. It's not very

important. It's not what usually what we want to see about

ourselves, but essentially, we're just going through our day

asking ourselves, what do I do so that I'm not uncomfortable?

What do I do that I don't waste my time or energy or money? And

what do I do so that I don't so that people don't criticize me

or call me out?

Yeah. A big theme of your book is this tension

between avoiding things, avoiding things that bring

stress in our life and choosing to confront them? And what are

some of the ways that you think either you or you advise for

folks to take some bold action in their life in order to break

through this, this sense of complacency that you describe?

First and foremost, we're really

unconscious. I say myself, and I said, most of the people that I

work with on a daily basis in my coaching practice, and these are

people that we may see from the outside, we look at them and we

say, wow, that that person has really got their stuff together.

They've done some some amazing things. But in their own life,

they don't. They recognize they're not at their edge or

they're, they're playing it safe in some way. So the idea of just

being able to compare yourself to others and be like, well, I'm

making more money than that person, or I'm, you know, I've

got greater status than this other thing, or I'm, you know,

better than my brother, I'm farther along than my father was

at this point. Those are lousy indicators. But first and

foremost, we're just lousy at being able to figure out what's

actually dangerous in our lives, we've evolved to the point where

what feels dangerous these days is, I don't know where the

remote control is. I don't know where to get off my button,

change the channel, like, Oh, no, the Wi Fi is down. Like,

that's what, you know,

how lucky are we first world problems that some

of us who have been in third world countries, sometimes

identify that type of type of thing is,

yeah, and I love it. Like, how fortunate are we

to that this is for most of us. These? Are these the types of

things that start to stress us out now? Is that really the big

deal that I'm dealing with, that I'm working with, with people?

No, it's not. But it, it helps us see a mindset that it is

using success as a way to avoid discomfort, once and for all,

using using success as a means to escape some kind of financial

uncertainty once and for all. It Same thing with status once and

for all. There's this trap that I'm going to find this finish

line. And I'll be done once and for all. And I think that

approach is what's making us weak, we're not getting

stronger, if we look at look at the lives of our grandparents,

and their grandparents before them the amount of adversity

that they faced on a daily basis, not just a big moment or

a big event, but the amount of things that they had to deal

with. They normalize it, they adapted to it. And we're

adapting to a very soft world, and I'm not a person, I love my

comfort. I love all the nice things that I have in my world.

But I understand that it's a trap to believe that seeking

more comfort and seeking more safety, and seeking more status

is going to help me feel x once and for all.

I think it's you're making some great points there.

I noticed one of the chapters in your book is success, making us

weak. And I think this is where a lot of people want to try to

come up with things to say how can they be stronger, better,

faster, this type of thing. And then with Roadblock, eight

adversity, a problem will happen, such as the common

COVID virus, which is literally impact the entire world and made

everyone to adjust. Some people have adjusted better than

others. Many people I think, who were used to these creature

comforts, maybe haven't as well as some others. But it all those

are gonna hit these blocks Aren't we all of us are going to

hit some sort of a roadblock or some sort of a problem that

happens. And if we're not prepared for it, it can really

devastate us.

And some of the stuff we can't really prepare

ourselves for, you know, when we when we if you think about the

things that we're complaining about today, the you know, this

afternoon, we could get a terrible phone call, right or

next week, we could get a terrible diagnosis. And we would

want to have today's problems. Right, we would gladly trade

whatever is making us miserable today for, you know, to get out

of what what may happen later this afternoon or next week,

right? So it's about putting these things in perspective, I

think this is the importance of a gratitude practice, is to come

back and start to train our minds to look for the things

that are going well. It's not about sticking our head in the

sand about in avoiding what isn't going well. But it's like,

yeah, some things could be improved. But gosh, look at how

well think some things are going. And in being able to

appreciate that the things that are rocking my shoe right now

are there are wonderful problems to have. And I think it also

prepares us to see that what is truly a challenge in our lives

that we can find that that intestinal fortitude and in

remember just how strong we are. Because most of us are because

we don't face adversity, we don't challenge ourselves on a

regular basis that if our lives are back to this purpose of

avoiding things, I call it a prey mentality. We're constantly

avoiding things. And we never get to test ourselves and

realize, you know what, I can go through this. I've trained for

this, I put myself into situations and I challenged

myself, I can call on things that are bigger than myself, in

order to help me go through that. But if life is just about

avoiding things and running away from things, then inevitably we

become more and more fragile.

You mentioned about calling on something bigger than

yourself in gratitude practices and things of that nature. I'm a

believer that when we have these adversities come our way. And it

can be the gradual thing that you're talking about, or it can

be a major like I've got a phone call a couple weeks ago that my

personal secretary was killed in a car crash and that rocked my

world. You know, all that took our breath away. For the people

who were to work with her woman just totally unexpected. But

what I'm getting at here Is You said that you can try to draw on

these, this inner strength? But there could be a source of that.

I'm just curious, how do you find that inner strength? What

is I believe there's a source of power? There's a you go

someplace greater than yourself? Do you go deep within yourself?

Do you read good books? Do you have meditation practices? What

are some ways that you look to gain the source of power or

strength to make these changes?

I think this is it's a practice. It's a

practice. And I encourage anybody and everybody to find

what works for you. Just because it works for somebody else

doesn't mean it's going to work for you. So let's turn it, let's

turn the stones over, let's see, let's see if XYZ works for you.

And understand that there are no immediate, we can't expect

immediate results for things. So I'm, I'm a proponent, like

whatever gets you down the river, I want to support you in

that whatever has you feel more expansive, more loving, more

free, more connected to others, I'm all for it. And so from that

regard, it helps us to tap into that inner sense of knowing an

inner sense of authority, not as something that sees ourselves as

separate from others as somewhat as something that is bigger than

ourselves. This is where I see this as a problem with us. As we

become more and more independent in the world, we cut ourselves

off, we see ourselves as separate. And I think there's a

there's a point of diminishing returns there, when we don't

understand that we're also part of something larger than

ourselves, and that we can tap into that. But that's a

practice, we have to learn how to how to how to lean into those

things, talk to people talk to friends, be able to access

different parts of ourselves that are bigger than our fears.

Most of the time, when I'm working with a client, the worst

fear that they have is anticipating the event. But then

once they're in it, they realize they've got a resource of tools

and strength that they didn't, they didn't access that they

didn't have access to before. And then also, it's just a place

where you call on people that you love, and then have your

back and to build that kind of support in that community. And

if it works for you, and it works for your philosophy, then

there's something even larger than that.

You think you're calling on what you're talking

about here? Do you think there's a spiritual element involved or

something of that framework?

I think that it would be silly to cut ourselves

off from something that is larger than ourselves, right?

The mystery of all that is, and so I to negate that in to just

close the door on that seems silly. That's my personal

opinion, to be able to name what that is. I'm not in the position

to do that. But to but to be open to that. And to be curious

to that then yes, I'm fully open and curious about that question.

And one of the aspects I comes to mind is some

of the reading and some of the writing I've done is with the

concept trip sometimes called the third person, which is the

third person you know, is basically if you and I are

having a conversation, I'm one person, you're the other person.

But if there's some sort of a synergy or relationship built,

that is almost a an A entity in some ways in and of itself. We

build something new here and take what I'm talking about when

you say that you want to make yourself dangerous or this book

will make you dangerous. It's about finding some places to go

within ourselves in order to build meaningful relationships

with others and for ourselves. I'd like to go out here to

relationships now a little bit with your trip, like personal

relationships, intimate relationships in terms of our

spouse or children or other meaningful persons that are

alive what is the role of meaningful relationships loving

caring, deep emotional relationships and helping us to

become dangerous as you would say or to get through this

process?

Let's frame what dangers is right? We've been

throwing that word around let's most of us most of us if we're

going through life we can seemingly have it all we can

look at our lives and we go gosh, I've got the house and I

got the car and I got the job I got the husband I got the wife I

got the kids I got all this kind of stuff but my experience Hmm

What am I actually feeling I might be feeling trapped like

I've got nowhere to go there's this is it I've reached a glass

ceiling I might be feeling drained like up same thing every

day. I might be feeling even though there's lots of people in

my life, I might feel isolated, that I can't share the things

that are important to me, I can't talk about my deep beliefs

or my emotions or, or whatever that might be. Or it might just

be lacking peace of mind in some way. I might just be chronically

bored or in a perpetual state of overwhelm. So why is that

important? Because those are usually indicators that we are

playing it safe. We're confining ourselves, we may want to blame

this or that or whatever. But I'm a big proponent of taking

full responsibility for our experience. And so if we're

tired of feeling trapped, if we're feeling tired of feeling

drained or isolated or bored, over Well, but it's, it's

really, it's a wonderful place to start to say, I'm 100%

responsible for that. So I want the opposite of that. I want to

feel free. I want to feel alive, I want to feel deep connection,

deep love, I want to feel peace of mind. That's so what am I

going to do about that? And part of that question can mean, what

am I going to ask? What am I going to ask if something larger

than myself, but ultimately, it's up to me, I can only point

the finger so much, and blame the outside world so much. And

so I want to start from that place. When we're playing it

safe. We those are the indicators that we're playing

safe, that we feel trapped or drained or isolated, or bored or

overwhelmed. So when it comes back to relationships, most of

the time, we can be stuck in relationship, we can feel alone

in our relationships, we can feel like they don't go very

deep. And most of the times because we're playing it safe,

like I said, we're unwilling to ask deeper questions. We're

unwilling to share something that is true about us. Here's

what I deeply care about. Here's what's a big concern. But here's

something I'm wondering about, here's something I I'm scared

of, we're afraid to open those doors and reveal who we truly

are. But without that accessibility, we're not going

to have that connection. And without that connection, then

the relationships or they're not meaningful, they're not

satisfying enough fulfilling.

So the dangerous part is being vulnerable enough

with someone else to go to some of those deeper places be a

truth teller and a truth listener in that process, as

well. And that goes, That's by nature uncomfortable. And you're

saying, We're our go to thing for most of us his comfort,

right? Yeah, I

look and I don't want to look weird, you're gonna

think I'm weird. If I bring this up,

whoo, and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah, no,

that's a big part of what you write in your book is his sense

of being ridiculed and things like that. And so, so let's go

there for a little bit, I know that you talk about in your

book, about not only being bold, but to expect resistance. Tell

me about resistance, in terms of how you characterize it. Both no

resistance, which is there are maybe even external, you know,

that it does happen. When someone says that I, you know, I

want to go on a retreat for a few days, you know, something

like this for spiritual enlightenment or with my wife,

or whatever other people may, you know, throw that out the

window, tell me about resistance, and how this is a

part of this battle to become dangerous.

As a coach, the most insidious force that I come

up against is resistance. And the form of resistance that I

see most often is the is the form that resides between our

ears. It's this seductive voice, we don't even recognize that it

is another entity so to speak, it is just the truth. If I go do

this, then this is what is going to this terrible things going to

happen. If I go down this road, this is going to be terribly

uncomfortable, I'm going to be in LA and I'm going to feel a

certain way. And I don't want to feel that way. If I do this, it

is a with 100% certainty, I will lose my job and I will be on the

street. If I do X, Y, Z, everybody is gonna laugh at me

and cast me out and reject me, we don't ever take a moment to

say that's just a voice. That's just one opinion, that is a

protector between my ears that is trying to make sure I don't

do anything that would be happy, be uncomfortable or unsafe, or,

you know, cast out in some way. But we can learn to challenge

that voice. And we can learn to just recognize like, thank you.

Thanks a lot for looking out for me. Now I'm going to do the

thing that what has me feel more expansive and more meaning in my

life, I'm going to go do the things that are a little

dangerous to this voice. But we first have to recognize and

expect that voice to come along. Most of us are waiting for that

voice to give us permission. You know what I'm gonna go find my

life partner. Once all the green lights are there. And once I've

got permission, you know, I'll be

ready. Once I'm ready. I hear that all the time

I say to myself, wait until I'm ready. Well,

we didn't readily wait until I'm inspired. Wait

until I'm

confident graduate from high school. Or if I

accomplish a certain raise at my job, or I get financially secure

or move to a different city there's they're all excuses

aren't they are they're ready to rationalize what's going on

here.

And it's fear and fear will always find another

thing to be afraid of. And what when we listen to that voice and

we become dominated by this voice by that voice, our world

gets smaller and smaller and smaller, we're willing to do

less, we're willing to engage fewer people were willing to go,

we're not willing to go as deep with the people that are already

within our lives. And so like I said, we're back in that place

where life feels confining and everything starts to seem

dangerous to us. So if we understand that resistance is

there, we can expect it. We can learn to challenge it and say

let's see, let's see if it's so bad. If I were to have this

conversation with this person, what would happen if I were to

Ask this question, would it really be the worst thing in the

world? And I just like to I like I want to orient my life

personally, to, to support me and have me feel more expansive

and stronger as I go through it, I understand that they're just

going to be people that aren't on on on the same page. And I'm

okay with that. But I'd rather not wait for them to give me

permission, I'd rather not wait for the world to say, okay,

trip, come on in the water's fine. I'm gonna go lean into

that, and then start to see what welcomes me and says, Yes, bring

that and there'll be others that are like, No, I'm not

comfortable with that. And that's okay. And we don't need

to be, you know, enemies or anything. But just understand

that we're not aligned in our values.

Sometimes it may be a more value, and I just part of

what I teach, sometimes, it may be more value to take action,

and then have to ask for forgiveness for something,

rather than to not take action and to have no regrets and be

dissolved into numbness, this type of thing. It takes a

process does a trip to do this, I think it takes some action,

only the actions you spoke about. But you know, it takes a

process. And I'm wondering if you have any thoughts about

procedures, or process or habits or rituals, or anything that you

do that helps to define and move things? You know, if I'm one of

these people who feel stuck? What are some things that I can

do to help take those bold actions?

Well, let's just play with if we really think

about these three big threats that we've been circling so far,

the first one is I'm afraid to be uncomfortable. All right?

Well, we understand it, let's just consider that everything we

ultimately want is on the other side of being a little bit

uncomfortable. It's, it's on the other side of being I'm not

saying you got to throw yourself off a cliff or anything like

that. It's just gonna feel a little edgy. It's gonna feel a

little bit and so I just invite people say, hey, what would it

mean to be a little bold here? And that would be that that part

to speak up and say, Hey, you know what? I don't want to have

XYZ for dinner. I want to have ABC when somebody says, Hey, do

you want to go for lunch is like, Oh, do I really speak up

and say what I want these can This is how my newt these

actions can be, and how on a mundane level, we are making

ourselves smaller and smaller. So the first step to confront

that that fear of discomfort is to just be bold, find little

ways to be bold. The second one is when we have convinced

ourselves that there's some big huge risks there. Or maybe even

not so little bit of risk is to be playful. Is it really true

that the most terrible thing would happen if I did anybody

see, well, is there a way to make this a game, we usually

don't have a problem taking risks when we're playing. That's

the that's the one of the beautiful parts about play is

that we feel like we've got a net and I want to just offer,

you probably got a net, there's probably so many other things

that would have to go terribly wrong for something for your

life to be turned upside down if you did ABC. So be playful, see,

if you can find a way to be playful with this instead of Oh

my god, this is the worst thing that could ever happen. And then

the third part, that fear of looking bad, the way that we can

confront that is Get over yourself. But really, everybody

else is so fixated on themselves, they're probably not

too worried about what you're what you're doing. And it would

help to just realize that maybe you don't have to take yourself

so seriously. And I find that can be just liberating in and of

itself to let go of our need to be so important or to have it

all together. It invites that boldness and then invites that

playfulness that I talked about earlier.

Yeah, I like the way you phrase it here, live as

though as if there's nothing to prove and play for something

bigger when you say get over yourself. And I just like the

way you turn a phrase there. Because you can't really

experience something bigger, if we stay confined into our own

head, our own world, and we have and, and I believe just in terms

of calling in terms of purpose in life, that for most of us, we

can accomplish something much bigger than what we have allowed

ourselves to, to see. So let's talk about that a little bit in

terms of if one of these dangerous breakthroughs for

ourselves, what is the driving force that continues to motivate

us? When we do run into those those roadblocks, we're talking

about there? Because they do happen. And they can be

sometimes significant? You know, people right now many people are

just facing this crazy virus situation and Black Lives Matter

and other things. There are significant roadblocks there for

all of us. What keeps you going man? What do you do? What keeps

you going?

I think

I think it's a desire to live. Joseph Campbell

talked about this. He said, I put this quote in the book,

which is, most of us think that we're seeking a sense of meaning

in our lives, but and I'm paraphrasing here, but really,

we want the feeling of being alive. And whatever that might

mean that that might mean doing things that impact others on a

positive level. It could just mean spending an hour ternoon

with our loved ones, or it could mean being in our basement

creating something with our hands. I don't, it doesn't

matter what it is, but there's an experience of being a lot.

Wow, I'm here and I am totally doing this. Most of us are

working really hard to numb our experience. We've designed our

lives to numb ourselves from the things that are uncomfortable.

And unfortunately, that also turns the knob down on what has

us feel alive. So to come back to this sense, what if that,

what if that a lightness became a North Star for us, I feel more

alive. When I am with my community, I feel more alive

when I'm creating something I feel more most alive when I'm

having these types of conversations versus those types

of conversations. I feel most alive, whatever fill the blank

fill in the blank. I, I find more and more that there's an

excitement, there's a there's a juice that comes in into play.

There's a smile that naturally arises when we tap into that

place. And just like yes, this is it. Hallelujah, right? It's

our hands go up into the air, like I am alive. And it's a

beautiful force. And it's something that I I'm not ready

to be dead yet. And I don't want to be dead while I'm still

walking the planet, right? So I want to be fully alive. And I

would say that that is that's that's a huge motivator for me,

I'm really aware of what things that want to take my energy away

or where I'm allowing that to be taken away.

It's interesting when you talk about this type of

thing, we're talking to her trip about being, you know, being

dangerous, and about this debt force helps us feel alive. To

me, it's interesting, at least I've been privileged to talk to

some people who have been through some dangerous, truly

dangerous situations, I've done a war, your talk, I was able to

interview a gentleman in my church a few years ago who was a

survival of the battle evil gm of World War Two. And he talked

about he was wounded several times and was pinned for 10

hours pan to behind a jeep and but he also talked about that

exhilarating experience in being rescued by his buddies, and

getting off that island and how every year he and his buddies

would ever reunion. And that's how he felt really alive. And if

you think about a lot of people, then coordinate or have a sense

of the lightness that comes out of some of the more dangerous

things they've done, going off to college could be one, or it

could be being on a sports team, you know, being on a sports team

or being in a band, where you perform or do something

creative, that people will often say that's what I felt was most

alive, that's when I felt vigorous. And it might have been

the most dangerous thing you've ever done. In my in my case, I

was part of a group of people that helped smuggle Bibles into

Russia when it was communist some years ago. And we got

searched by guys with collision caused machine guns and it was

pretty scary. But what I'm just in your life and give me

example, or something, you've coached a lot of people about

how people then can take this alive as it comes from the

dangerous and kind of make it kind of a part of our everyday

life, not just those extreme moments, but part of you know,

how we could kind of like a better term to discipline

ourselves or manufacture that or, or how we can get that

there?

Well, the first thing to recognize that we have

these peak experiences, right? I mean, everything that you just

described are our experiences we will not forget, right? So let's

understand that. To make that a daily thing we're going to adapt

our brain would adapt to that. And, you know, it's not the

event itself, it's the experience, I want to just, I

don't want us to create an expectation that every day is

going to be this oh my god kind of thing, because then we can

get into a place where we're state chasing. But that is what

draws people to certain professions is they're not going

to sit behind a desk, they want to be jumping out of a plane, or

they want to be fighting a fire or they want to be going into

dangerous situations. So it's it's good to understand what

type of person we are and where that edge is. We may feel more

alive, just having conversations with people, I feel a sense of

lightness when I'm working with a client. And it's it's really

apparent that they're lying to themselves. And they they're

there in their own story. And they're basing themselves on

some level. And there's this point, it's like, I'm going to

say something here, they may fire me. This may be the moment

where they just say I'm out. You can't say that to me. And I and

I asked them a question. And there's in that moment, my heart

can be racing. And in those moments, and they'll be they'll

look at me, like, Oh my god, you're right. And I didn't want

to see that about myself and that but that's one of the

things like I didn't leave my room, there was no gun drawn at

me. There was nothing, quote, physically dangerous that was

going to happen. So I want to just lay that out there that

these opportunities for lightness are all around us if

we're willing to look for where that boundary is. What's the

thing that I would love to ask this person but I'm afraid to

because I'm not really quite sure it might, it might rock the

boat a little bit. I think if we're coming from the right

place from a loving, curious place, most of the time, people

will they're wanting to hear that. But even if they're like

Mind your own business, like, Okay, I'm still okay, I'll be

okay. If I get some pushback. But but it opens the door. And

suddenly, the world is full of doors instead of walls. And

that's where it comes to this idea of settling as we start to

realize, and I have so many more doorways when I'm willing to be

uncomfortable, and willing to take risks, and willing to rock

the boat from time to time,

much bigger life, like you got all those

opportunities. those opportunities come when you

sometimes close a door or gave yourself the opportunity to have

that, that door closed? Well, let me ask you this trapped.

What if someone comes to you either a client or just someone

you have a relationship to what are they going to learn out this

book? What are they? What's the takeaways, what the key

takeaways are going to take with them from this book will make

you dangerous, the river guide for people who refuse to settle

where they're going to takeaways that they're going to apply?

Because

Yeah, the feedback that I'm getting, I'd say a few

things are standing out first is they haven't realized that

they're what they are spending most of their time pursuing,

which is some this conventional form of success. And I want to

be really clear, I like having money and nice stuff, but but

that they, they're unaware that they bought into an expectation

that there's going to be a finish line. And so a lot of

them are waiting to live their best life or they're waiting to

do the thing that they really want to do, because they're

expecting some finished light, some green light to come along

and say, You know what, you've become successful enough,

whatever that means. Now you can go do what you really want, huh.

So they're waking up to that idea as I because I, you know,

deconstruct this myth that we have in our set in our in

ourselves that there's some point where it's going to be

okay to do that. And number two is, is a lot of them are pretty

impacted by this idea that most of the time we're going through

our lives, protecting and pleasing, and proving we wake up

every day, and we're doing whatever we can to cover our

butts, to kiss butt. And to make sure we don't look like a butt

as we go through life. And that in and of itself is been a

really impactful thing when they realize like, that's not what I

want my life to be about. I don't want my life to be about

just avoiding things. I want to be a creator, I want to be

somebody that really lives and really leaves a mark.

Awesome, awesome. I want to kind of close our

conversation. next few minutes, we just code just a little

slight different direction. Because everybody, you've got

some great things to offer here and your book, and I think it's

gonna be helpful. Already, in looking through it myself, I

find some really helpful things to apply. And I'm really big in

that. But also in your, in your podcast, you've had the

opportunity to talk to a lot of people and I believe part of

what I do is I research a lot of what I'm doing by talking and

learning from other people. Here's what I'm interested in,

what is your what is something you may have learned from

somebody you've talked to either in your podcast, or otherwise,

that really made an impact. I didn't even have to be a famous

person or whatever. But someone who spoken to your life and made

a difference.

Gosh, I've interviewed hundreds of people

over the last 13 plus years. The things I would say this stuff

that stands out is in this realm of resistance. And, and learning

to see that as a just as a voice in our head. And a couple of

things that Phil Stutz has said to me, Phil Stutz is a coach and

therapist, and Los Angeles. he's a he's been in my life, he's

helped me with things. But I've also featured him quite heavily

in this book. And this, the thing that usually hold us back

so we just take ourselves so seriously, and we're convinced

that we are so important, whether we want to believe it or

not even even if we're not an arrogant person or Showboat

person. And one of the other ways that we take ourselves

seriously is to make ourselves small is because we think

everybody's watching and we think that it really matters

what we say or do so one of the things that he that he talks

about is let go of any hope that you are going to be appreciated,

or admired or recognized for anything that you do today. Why

does this matter? What Why would we what would what would happen

if we were to let go of any need to be appreciated or admired or

recognize what we do is most of us are only doing things because

we think we're going to be admired or recognized or

appreciated for what we do. We spend a lot of time wasting

energy, doing those things, and then feeling disappointed

because the world doesn't come along and deliver a trophy to us

at the end of the day. What I find is when we let go of that

expectation, or that belief that I need to be admired and

appreciated and recognized everyday is that First off, we

can start to say no to things It just don't serve us anymore. Our

schedule gets a lot lighter, we got a lot more space in our

lives when I realize, maybe I don't need to be appreciated and

recognized and admired at that level, I can go and focus on

what really matters now. And then number two, I think we'd

become stronger as a result when we realize that we're not so

dependent upon others to feel good about ourselves.

That's great. That's great. And kind of along

the same line of people, you've talked about influence on you.

You mentioned Phil Stutz. What's a what's a go to book for you,

you know, like a book that you may pull off the shelf, or cakey

pandy that helps inspire you helps transform you, or just a

reference point for you.

You know, just since we're on the topic of

resistance, I think it's definite Steven pressfield book,

The War of Art is was really powerful. And then Stutz and

Barry Michaels wrote a book called coming alive. And there's

some tools in there about this resistance stuff. Again, I think

if we can get a handle on the resistance piece, put fear in

check, really understand this voice, then we start to see

life, all the opportunities around us, but fear is what

keeps us can has this convinced that the world is so much more

dangerous than it actually is.

And if you're going to be dangerous, you got to face

your fears, you know, this book will will make you dangerous,

facing our fears. And I love the love the part about speaking

about resistance. As a matter of fact, I'm a big fan of Steven

pressfield, his work, I've gift, I might have a birthday and a

couple of days. And one of the things I do for my family,

meaning my adult children, and their significant others is

like, on my birthday, I give them something. And and so my

gift to them is almost always a book. And this year, it's going

to be Steven pressfield to do the work, which is all about the

resistance that we're talking about there. That's just a side

side note there. But I know that trip you are your book is

helpful to people. But you also have a coaching practice. And

you also have a have a podcast. If folks wanted to learn more

about your podcast or your website, or your book or your

coaching anything else. How can they make some contact with you?

The book is available on whatever country

you're in. You can find it on Amazon. That's the easiest way

if you want to learn more about the coaching work that I do. I

work with clients all around the world via zoom. You can go to

trip linear calm, and then the podcast has, you know, massive

amount of free resources there. And you can learn more about

that at the new man podcast calm or just search for the new man

on any of your favorite podcast platforms.

The name of the book is this book will make you

dangerous. The irreverent guide for a man who refused to settle

our guest today is author trip lennier